I need an ending

i catch myself lying every single day (and i just don't see it) , 'cause i can only feel when i close my eyes and listen to the music, singing alone in the middle of the street. Or when i close my eyes and feel the wind rush across my face , or the sun burning me .There, it's just me .. And i don even know what i feel , but i feel . This way i know im alive (as if it would console me v.v)
But its good that at least i feel (even if its just at those moments) cause the worst above all things is to feel nothing ; not love nor hate, not well nor bad... Nothing but completely emptiness (im sure its clear that is how i feel when im not at those moments, which means, almost everytime)

so, thats why im a liar , and mostly a liar to myself, 'cause its always " im ok; i don even cry " .. im passive, i watch every day passing by and i .. i just watch , stuck and paralized, as i have always done/been.
& im an avoider , oh yes im an Avoider ! I avoid pain ( or do i bring more and more?), i avoid love, i avoid anger, i avoid talks and facing the i crap, i avoid their pity, i avoid making poor of myself, i avoid their tries and hard-work in my honor

guess what ? i keep tellin myself its just another bad day , but i keep BLIND , as there's nothing to feel good, nothing to me to hold, to lean on
i need an ending

(curious that one year ago i was getting like this ,too.
maybe this is a periodic disease , who knows ? D:)